Things I can’t pray for…

I’ve come to a place where there are certain things I just can’t pray for. Maybe it’s just a lack of faith on my part. Or maybe it’s that I’m no longer naïve to the nature of God or His will.

I write today because there are times when I find it so difficult to pray. Sometimes I feel in my personal life and as I observe in others prayer is nothing more than some superstitious recited cantation. Far be it from me to be the judge of anyone’s heart or intentions, but by the things we pray for sometimes it’s hard not to draw conclusions.

I think my own difficultly in prayer has risen out of some very common questions.

• “Why does God seem to answer prayers for parking spots when entire countries are destroys in earth quakes and famines?”

• “Why is one healed and another left sick?”

• “Why are some Christians poor and others are rich, if both work just as hard and love God just as much?”

So maybe I’m just lack faith, but there are things that I can’t pray for anymore.

I can’t pray for finical gain above what my family needs to survive. I understand living in America already places in me top percentages of the world’s rich. Instead I find myself praying for faithfulness and wisdom for the things that God has given me.

I can’t pray for parking spots when owning a car means I’m living in a reality that 90% of others in this world are not. That’s like saying God indoor-pluming is not good enough, I want my toilet to be gold plated.

God and Pain

I think there are two ways of dealing with pain and God. And both of them are not healthy.

First, let me start my explaining the way I deal with pain and God…

This past year has been particularly painful for me in my relationship with God. This past year has been a year of darkness.

Let me explain. My wife and I moved from California to Texas. This was not an easy move for us, but we felt like this is where God wanted us, and He did for a season. Before this move things were great. Everything was progressing forward, and then God stopped us in our tracks, closed doors in California and relocated us to Texas. In this experience we felt we learned a valuable lesson. Don’t make plans for God! Lesson learned, we were happily living and serving in Texas.

Then after a few years serving there, and as the reasons for us moving there were coming to close we began to seek God for what he desired next. No answer… and it seemed like every time we were ready to give up something little trinket came along and sustained our faith for another week. But the feeling of darkness overcame us, and this darkness persisted, and lingered…

We both began to question ourselves. What did we do wrong? Did we do anything wrong. Why no answer or direction?

And throughout this time we did the only natural Christian thing, we tested different doors. The problem was to many were opening and too many were closing. Nothing seems to match up or make sense.

Then the ridiculous happened. We felt God leading us back to California. The feeling was the only hazy thing we could understand. But Why? Why Could we not understand? Why did it seem the answer was sitting in our blind-spot? Why California? We had just gotten settled, created a great network of friends around us. Then is off to California? Oh, but no more information then that.

My impression was that the longer you follow God, the more it all makes sense, the clearer his voice is, and the more his plan becomes visible. The truth in our experience was proving to be the opposite.

Darkness.

Where are you taking us? Why are you not responding to my prayers? Why do I feel more alone then ever?

Darkness.

Darkness hurts, and looking back now I see how I dealt with the pain. I depersonalized God. I am a person with a deep-seated belief and conviction in God. So in times of pain and frustration in God I de-emphasis his love and focus on his sovereignty. Somehow for me this makes it ok for me to follow God although I feel hurt by Him. I turn to the religious side faith, rather than the personal. My focus drifts toward theology and philosophy. I think God can do what he wants and who am I to be question it. The thoughts of God’s love, mercy, and grace, are overshadowed by his truth, holiness, and power. I grow cold, and tired. “Who is God to know?” I think. I can study him, and maybe that is all a relationship with him means… so I study and study. But my heart… its hard to get my heart into anything. My mind and my strength are Gods… but my heart… my heart is hurt.

That is how I deal with pain and God. Maybe that’s you maybe its not.

The other way I see people deal with pain and God, it to take it personally. Pain in their life is a direct attack from God. If a person at the church hurt them, God did it. Or if a friend or family member dies, God killed them. They see God as the personal predator in their life.

This person retreats from God altogether… this person questions the reality of God. How could a God who causes me pain exist?

In my pain I did not run from idea of God, because I saw God as sovereign but impersonal. However, this person sees God as personal but not sovereign. They question God’s sovereign plan.

I except God’s crushing blows in my life, because I know his plans are bigger. But to deal with the pain God become someone less personal, and more like a steamroller. He’s not doing this to me; I’m just in the way…

The other person rejects God, they must. They see God as the personal God he reveals himself to be… So if he’s real, then he is cruel, and not worthy to be served. Or on the other extreme maybe he’s not real at all…

Both lead nowhere…

God is both personal and sovereign. Sometimes there is an explanation of the circumstances we are wading through. Other times there are not.

God does love you. He is personal. And he does see our need and look upon us with compassion. I was sustained and not crushed. He has held me up by his grace and mercy.

Why the darkness… why the pain…

I wish I had an answer…